The gray zone

I had an epiphany last night; at least I think I did. 

I always say life is not complicated but that we make it complicated.  You either want the job or you don’t, you want the shirt or you don’t.  I have a friend who says life is black and white and there is no gray.  But the truth is, that’s not always true- life is complicated, it’s messy and hard, there are gray zones that make us unsure and scared.  The gray zones hold us back and make our choices hard and challenge us. 

My friends and I are in a gray zone right now.  We’re in this middle territory that isn’t claimed yet and we have to claim it. Define it.  Make it our own.  We all want the same thing basically- a good steady job, a good steady boyfriend whom we might one day call husband, and a beautiful home.  We want the dream life, which is obtainable, but the problem is we want it all at once and we want it right now.  We want the perfect job, boyfriend and apartment immediately without trouble.  We want our lives to be settled and we want our routines perfected as though we have been doing this our whole lives. 

The truth is we were spoiled away at school.  We had each other, we had potential boyfriends right at our fingertips, the four of us basically lived in an apartment and our jobs were class.  We were living our dream and now the clock has struck 12 our carriage turned into pumpkins and reality has set in.

Now after all of that, my epiphany- I need to focus on one thing at a time.  I can’t have all three at once so I need to focus on a job, even if it’s not the perfect job I need to find a job I’m happy with that can help pay my bills and even save for my other goals.  I need to stop actively searching for a boyfriend because when the time is right he will come and when the time is right an apartment will be the next step.  I need to stop worrying, stop obsessing and trying to guess what the future holds.  I don’t know what my future will be only God does and trying to play the guessing game will only make it harder. I need to take it one day at a time, one step at a time.  Get my life in order and the rest will fall into place.