What I want most

Something happens once you hit the college age, people you once went to school with are now husbands and wives, mothers and fathers- except you or in this case- me.  Everyone I once knew is getting married then some are expecting their first child while a smaller group is expecting a second or even third (whoa) child.  And while some people, me included sometimes, say they are too young to be married much less having kids I think if it’s what they want and they are happy then who cares, it’s their life so let them live it. 

At the same time, this makes me incredibly sad.  For as long as I can remember all I have wanted is to be married and have a house full of kids.  Seriously.  This is all I have wanted.  I’ve grown up with a bunch of kids around me- I love kids.  But, right now I have no boyfriend and no prospect of a boyfriend and no kids in the future.  Now, I know what you’re going to say.  I’ll find the right person when it’s time and then when the time is right I’ll have kids but see the problem is, you and I don’t know that for 100%.  I know plenty of people who yes do find “the one”- they have a great life but it’s too late in life to have any chance of kids and that is what terrifies me most.  I’m scared of maybe finding “the one” but it’ll be too late in life.  I’m playing the “what if” game, what if I find him too late?  Or what if I find him but he or I can’t have kids?

What I’m writing may come as a shock to anyone who ever reads this, if anyone does, that I want kids.  I have lied to my family, friends, and anyone who knows me.  I told them that I never want kids- they are just not in my future.  Don’t ask me why because I’m not even sure.  It may have started off as a joke and just grew so much that even I started to believe that I didn’t want them but if I’m honest with myself then I know I do want kids.  An entire house full (not 19 kids and counting full but you know 3 or 4.)  I want a big family with lots of grandkids and great grandkids.