Friday the 13th

            I’m sitting here staring at the computer and I’m not even sure what I want to write.  I just know I need to write because I have no one to talk to, no one to confide in about how I’m feeling, what I want or need, or even just daily events.  I miss having people to talk to.   I miss being able to walk right outside my door and there was always at least one person there.  At home, there is no one. 

            I’m a mix of feelings. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster that I can’t get off of.  One minute I’m happy and content with life, like last night when Maria and I took the kids to a movie and ice cream.  I was genuinely happy.  But, then night falls and I’m left alone in my room and my thoughts consume me.  The voice in my head is screaming at me and keeps me up all night. 

            They teach us a lot in college, stuff about our majors and even life lessons that have nothing to do with the classes we’re taking.  You grow up in college, become more mature and evolve into the person you were always meant to be.  You develop certain skills and habits.  You develop characteristics and behaviors that define you for that stage in your life.  But, what they don’t teach you is what happens after college or how to deal and transition after graduation.  It’s hard to go from living at college, seeing your friends who may or may not also be your roommates every day to never, behaving or speaking a certain way daily to having a completely new set of behaviors and vocabulary.  College doesn’t teach you how to make that transition without the ups and downs, without the emotional roller coaster.  You graduate high school and have to learn to go from depending on your family to independence and then when you are just getting the hang of independence you graduate college and have to transition back into family life. Back into your parents home, which no matter how hard you try never quite feels as comfortable as college felt.  It’ll always be your house but college was home. 

            It’s a hard transition; it’s a big change.  And nobody warns you about what it’s going to be like.  There isn’t a “moving back home after graduation 101” class.  And I’m having trouble learning, readjusting, and changing my habits and routine.  I have to reteach myself how to live with my family instead of my best friends and I’m exhausted from the constant change of emotions and the work to find who I am and evolving into who I am supposed to be at this stage in my life.