At a standstill...

I feel like days are passing by in a blur but the problem is I'm not doing anything.  I had all these big ideas of what life would be like after college; I envisioned my own apartment, going out to the bar on the weekends, meeting my future husband.  None of that is happening instead I'm sitting at home in bed watching all the seasons of Vampire Diaries and leaving long enough to get food and come back. I'm wasting my time.  I have no friends, no goals, no plans and honestly I have no idea where to start.   The Sarah's are pulling away, we hardly talk anymore and when we do it's a passing comment and nothing more.  I miss them.  I need them.  There is a hole in my life that school used to fill and now it's just empty.

I'm at a standstill in my life and I have no clue how to get moving again.

I'm disgusted with myself.  I feel like a loser.  I'm sad and then when I'm too tired to be sad anymore I'm irrationally angry.  Angry with everyone.  My parents, my family, my friends, people walking on the street, the sounds in my house, the tv.  Everything makes me angry.  And then when I'm too tired to be sad and angry, I feel nothing.

On another note, I'm following in the footsteps of Jeremy.  He hated my grandmother and I don't know if it was real hatred or if it was just the alcohol making him so angry but every day I hate her a little bit more.  I hate the way she talks to me, I hate the way she treats me and the family.  I hate the double standards that she sets for EVERYTHING. I hate almost everything about her. But, I can't hate her completely because I know it's not her fault.  It's just the way she is.  How can I love and hate someone so much at once? I don't want to end up like Jeremy, so angry at the family that I cut myself off completely.  I don't want to be hardened by my hatred. I don't know... I don't know much at this point in my life.

I have no direction.