My not so proud moment.

This has been a terrible week.  Well, not all of it has been terrible but for the most part it has really sucked.

So, as a way to unwind Thursday night the Sarah's and I decide to go to Tuck's for a beer.  Well, one beer turned into two beers which turned me into a crying mess spilling all my secrets, so two beers turned into three beers which my lovely best friend bought and shared with me.  And then our waiter felt so bad about my crying he brought me a fourth beer.  Needless to say, when we left I was a complete mess.  I cried in the car all the way back to the dorm, all the way to our room and for most of the night.  Seriously, I was a mess.  I'm mortified by how much I drank, how I acted, and by some of the things that came out of my mouth.

I'm not a drinker.  I never have been especially since my brother was an alcoholic.  I feel ashamed every time I take a sip because I know he would be so disappointed if he saw me.  I know how disappointed my family and church would be in me.  And I get that some people would tell me that I shouldn't live my life to please anyone else even my family but for some of us that's just how we are.  I'm not an emotionally strong person.  I want to please my family because I care about what they think.  I care about what my friends think.  And yeah, maybe I bawled my eyes out at Tucks, made a fool of myself and cried for hours straight when we got back because James doesn't like me but that doesn't make me any less of a person, if anything it just makes me more of a human.  We have feelings.  We care about what people think, we care if someone likes us or doesn't.  It matters.  It all matters.  Telling me that he's not worth it, or he's losing out doesn't help because in the end it still hurts.