James.

James is so perfect in so many imperfect ways.  He has this weird way of making my heart beat so fast I think it might beat out of my chest but, he calms me down at the same time.  Just thinking about him gives me butterflies.  

He's nothing like the typical guys I'm interested in, which I hate "types" anyways.  But, normally I like the tall, clean shaven, well-dressed, family guy.  James is weird.  He's quirky, he's more interested in being outdoors than what's he's wearing.  He's adorable. James is everything I'm not.  He's fearless, courageous, happy, funny, independent, and adventurous.  He's smart and loves to read.  He has ambitions and plans.  

He loves Bo Burnham and equally loves his prolonged eye contact in the opening.  My heart stops every time he makes this prolonged eye contact, even if it is just a joke.  I can't help but smile when he does.  He's weird in such a good way.  He plays Clash of Clans or Titans or whatever.  He wears short shorts or in his words "jorts".  He wears a plaid shirt with a matching but not matching plaid hat that I can't help but think is so cute.  He's part of a dart league where everyone knows him.  He doesn't judge.  

I know all of this just from hanging out with him at breakfast. And that's why my heart breaks every time I see him or I'm around him.  He makes my palms sweat and breaks my heart at the same time.  I want him so bad.  So freaking bad.  Yet, he doesn't want me back.  Why?  Why am I never good enough for anyone.  Why couldn't I be prettier, or skinny? Why does nobody every want me back?  It breaks my heart that I'm leaving in 10 days.  10 DAYS and I know without a doubt I will never see or hear from him again.  I'll go my way and he's going his way.  After a while, I'll be a distant memory to him and him to me.  And that makes me so sad.