I'm going to be so honest and say that today really sucked. First, it was raining. Second, Sarah, Sarah and I had meltdowns around lunch time. Third, I missed the cattran to get my car and fourth, I completely freaked while we were hanging out with one of our friends and made it completely awkward.
Today just really sucked. I've been in such a funk the past couple of days, even the last week because graduation is just around the corner. 18 days to be exact (writing that just makes me want to cry). Just a few weeks ago I was completely ready to graduate, ready to leave Cullowhee behind and start my new life as a college grad. But, recently, new people in my life and the fact that what graduation means just hit me in the face has now changed my attitude towards May 10th. I hate that date. I don't want to graduate. I don't want to leave Cullowhee. I don't want to leave the people in Cullowhee (specifically one person) and I don't want to leave my friends. Sarah and Sarah, who know me better than I know myself, I'm not ready to leave them. I'm sick to my stomach every day because I know I only have a few days left here. But, this is not the reason for my post.
My problem is, I'm never good enough for anyone; I'm never the girl that is picked. This is all in relation to that specific someone who I mentioned above. We'll call him J. He doesn't even notice me, apparently he is completely oblivious to how I feel but, I can almost guarantee without saying anything to him that my feelings are not reciprocated. Just wait, I'll explain how I know. This is how it's been my entire life. I'm into someone, I end up saying something and huh what do you know the feelings are not mutual. I always get "you're just a good friend" or "I don't feel the same" or "you aren't exactly my type". No one ever chooses me. Normally, I'm okay with it and I remind myself that hopefully one day the person I'm supposed to be with will enter into my life and he will choose me. But, man it really sucks when you're turned down over and over again. I'm really really frustrated with this guy, J, I don't want to ruin another friendship because the feeling isn't mutual. I'm frustrated because he's so oblivious and can't see it when it's so clear to everyone. It's so freaking clear, so why can't he just notice!? I hate being the one to pursue, for once I want someone to tell me how they feel. It makes me angry and sad all at once. I want to cry and scream. I want to punch something or throw something. Why am I not pretty enough, or smart enough for anyone. Why am I the one always left hanging and never chosen? I just want someone to like me, for once.
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