My past, present, and future.

I'm about to share a personal story and feelings.

I had a hard time in 8th grade and I refused to eat anything except pretzels and water.  I hated how I looked and because of that I was afraid to eat especially in public because I thought people were making fun of me and I thought if I starved myself then I would drop the weight and be instantly pretty(like the girls I was jealous of).   I wanted to be like the other girls in my school.  Skinny, wealthy, pretty, nice clothes that were always the style, boyfriends, friends in general, a cheerleader, etc.  I wanted to be the "All-American it girl."  From 8th grade through 11th grade I wouldn't eat at school, if my family went out to eat I would nibble on a salad or something I thought looked healthy.  I was terrified constantly that people were taking about me.  "oh look at the fat girl eating." "Maybe she wouldn't be so fat if she didn't eat." In reality, I know now that people weren't concerned with my eating habits or what I was doing.

 But, starving myself didn't work.  It just made me unhealthy and unhappy.  I still had no friends(well very very few friends), I wasn't popular, I didn't instantly become rich or have the latest fashions.  I didn't have a boyfriend. Starving myself hadn't solved anything. Then, something changed...

8th grade was also the year  I was saved and I found that Christ loved me for me.  Not for my clothes, looks, amount of friends but He loved me for me.  Slowly, I learned to accept myself for who and what I was.  Now, I'm not saying I was cured immediately.  It took a lot of work to ignore the voices in my head.  It took work to start eating again and eventually senior year of high school I started eating lunch at school.  I had to constantly remind myself that everything was okay, nobody was judging me, nobody was staring at me or talking about me.  And, if they were I had to tell myself over and over again it didn't matter, I don't care.  Don't worry about it.  I started to learn how to dress myself and slowly I started loving myself again. I eventually learned to love myself and how I looked.  I found beautiful, amazing friends who support me, encourage me, and love me for who I am.  I stopped caring about those other people who don't love me for me, I pushed those voices out of my head that didn't love me for me. And now I love me.

I still have days where I'm less than happy about myself but, I would never go back to my old ways.  I'm so much happier now that I can't remember what it felt like to be so sad.

Anyways, all of this confession has a point. UGH, it's one of those days where I hate everything about myself.   I hate my face, my body, my skin, my personality.  I hate everything.  Nothing fits, nothing looks right.  I'm uncomfortable.  Why today?? We're going to Gatlinburg, TN and I wanted it to be fun and have a good time but, my own head is getting in the way.