This is me.

I'm a worrier.  Not warrior with an a but with an o.  As in, I worry about EVERYTHING.  I worry about my family, I worry about my friends, I worry about myself.  Anything and everything worries me.  I worry about my family getting hurt, or being scammed.  I worry about their health and their money problems.  I worry the kids will catch some terrible disease.  I worry about fingers being cut off and meningitis.  I worry about them dying.  (Which probably stems from the recent passing of my brother)  And from all this worrying I've become paranoid.  Extremely paranoid.  Now, most of the time I can control it with a simple reminder that not every bad thing can happen to my family, my friends, and me.  But, most of the time in the back of my head I'm paranoid about every little cough, sneeze, whimper, cry, bill that comes in the mail, doctor check up.

Why am I telling this?

Because I feel like a walking contradiction.

I worry all the time about what could happen yet I tell people you can't control what happens.  My motto in life is "Everything happens for a reason, and we can't decide how our life is going to play out." Now, obviously, I believe we can control aspects of our life, like our emotions.  We can choose to be happy or sad or mad.  We can look at a situation and say "yeah this might suck but I'm going to make the most of it." We control the words we say or the thoughts we think.  We control even simple minuscule things such as what we wear.  But, I'm talking about the big things.  Our friends, where we end up in life (jobs, homes, cities, etc.) God controls the outcome, how we die, where we die, the sickness and heartaches that we endure.  I believe this with all my heart so why am I such a worrier? Why am I so paranoid?  I know I can't change it.  If a family member or friend ends up being scammed and losing all his or her money ( I just read two articles about new credit card scams so I guess it's on my mind) then I know nothing could have prevented it, I couldn't have prevented it.  God made it happen.  God chooses the adversity that we experience throughout our lives.  So, I guess I just don't understand myself.  If I know this, if I believe this, why can I not stop worrying and trying to prevent the unpreventable?

My face says "I have everything in control. I'm not worrying or feeling paranoid." But, now you know the truth.  

This is me.  I'm the worrier.