Two posts, one day.

I must be crazy.

That's all I can sum my feelings up to be.

I am feeling completely ridiculous about my feelings.

It's a bad night.  I've been crying at my desk for maybe 30+ minutes about my brother and this exam I'm scheduled to take tomorrow.  Sarah and I watched Safe Haven tonight (Spoiler Alert) and right at the end she takes a gun and shoots her abusive husband.  It really, surprisingly, caught me off guard.  I mean so far, the idea that Jeremy was shot by a gun affected me like it should but not to the point where seeing a gun and hearing it go off was a problem.  But, tonight for some reason it pushed me over the edge.  Maybe, it's because I hadn't been dealing with my feelings.  Maybe, it was because I had pushed my feelings away for so long.  I don't know but it totally freaked me out.  I couldn't stop thinking about him and how he died.  Did he struggle, did he have to look the gun in the face, did he know it was coming, was he asleep, was he unaware of what was going to happen? I mean I could go on forever.  This one scene in a harmless movie opened a box of feelings and thoughts and questions inside of me that I didn't even know I was hiding.  When he died I had thought about going to see the university councilor.  I mean we get ten free sessions and I thought that I was fine, I didn't really need them.  But, after tonight, I'm not so sure I'm okay.

On top of that, (I know, how can there be more?) I have this huge exam tomorrow that was rescheduled because of his death and I'm totally freaking out.  And when I say freaking out I mean panic.  Serious panic.  I am not at all prepared in any way shape or form.  I have no notes. I borrowed a classmates notes.  Her notes are no help at all.  The study guide is opened in front of me literally laughing in my face.  It's saying "you are a failure." This exam determines whether I graduate this semester with my friends like I'm planning, like my family is planning.  Or, am I going to fail and have to stay an extra semester to make up the credit hours.  Failure is not an option, but I'm in a hole and I can't climb out yet.  Notice, the most important word is yet.  Do not misunderstand, I am not giving up.  I will find a way to pass this class.  I will find a way to get enough credit hours.  I will graduate in May with my friends.

I just needed to vent, I needed to express my feelings because lately I've hushed them.  I've said "no no, not right now.  You have to wait your turn."  I've shut them down, put them in a box, buried them, and thrown away the key.  But for tonight, and just for tonight, I opened the box and let myself feel.