Failure

I’m a selfish person but giving at the same time.  I’m paranoid.  I’m an extrovert and an introvert.  I worry too much, but not about the important things.  I plan ahead but wait until the last minute to follow my plan.  I’m overly sensitive. I care about what my family and friends think but not what strangers think.  I take things personally from people I am close too.  I don’t care about strangers and what they think about me, because their thoughts stem from knowing me for a minute or two.  My real sensitivity comes from the people who know me best.  Those who know what I love, what I hate, what I want from life, my insecurities.  They know what makes me tick from the inside out.  Those are the people I’m most afraid of.  I’m scared of what they really think.  I’m scared of what they are saying.  I’m scared to let them watch me fail, to see me unsuccessful. 

My friends, who I love dearly, don’t get me wrong.  Sarah and Sarah are sisters to me, but with them I feel like I can’t fail.  Every time I’m not able to do something, a project, a paper, going to class every. Single. Day. Makes me feel like I’m letting them down or disappointing them.  Other days, I feel like an annoyance or a hindrance on their plans, even in their lives.  I am constantly filled with thoughts like “Am I complaining too much?” “Did I cross the line with that sentence?” “Are they discussing what they hate about me every time I leave the room?” “Do I talk about Jeremy too much?” I worry about annoying them because I have no money and because of that our plans have to be cheap or free.  I constantly have to borrow money and can’t pay them back.  I’m the poor friend who can’t take a trip on Easter break like we planned.  I’m the poor friend who can’t go to dinner, or go to a movie, or chip in to pay for gas.  I’m the poor friend who constantly complains and worries about money.  All of these thought are just swirling around my head constantly.  I’m saddened each time I let them down or disappoint them.   I’m never smart enough for them.  I’m never pretty enough for them.  I’m not artsy enough, or funny enough.  I don’t talk enough or I talk too much.  I’m not skinny enough for them.  I’m never quite good enough for anyone, ever.